The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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