Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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