I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
