I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
