nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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