im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
