Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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