I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
