i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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