we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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