Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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