I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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