My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
