I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
