Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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