what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
