Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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