Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
