Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
