You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
