Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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