And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
