After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
