i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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