Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
