How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize