Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
