Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Come share oat with me in your robe
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
