one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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