I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
