go do what you do best...puke behind churches
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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