He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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