Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
