Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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