We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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