Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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