you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
