Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
