foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
