I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
