if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
