it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it's like iHOP with fire
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
