Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize