we're chasing vodka with high fives
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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