My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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