Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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