im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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