He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
