...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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