Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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