I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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