why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize