I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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