She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
