She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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