He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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