We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
