I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
