If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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