Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
