just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
