i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
