Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
