what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
