babies were throwing up all over the place
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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