I'm pants shitting drunk right now
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
