I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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