so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
