No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im holly from the hills drunk
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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