Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He felt like a one man threesome
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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